The Obsequious Tweet

Twitter.  What's it for?  I mean, really.


The word originally meant endless noisy birdbrained chatter, but that differs from Twitter because...er...


No, I can't see a difference. 


 OK, I know what you're going to say.  Oh, it's a great way to build a platform and promote your books yada yada yada... That's what I thought too, except with Everybody and His Auntie up on the ethernet shouting about their books all the time who's going to notice?  And what's worse, Twitter seems to be counterproductive in many ways.  If all I know about someone is they want to sell me their book I'm not enthralled, or even interested.  In fact I'm bored.  Shouting Buy Buy Buy till you're blue in the face might work on prime time tv but trust me it don't work on Twitter.


Oh, but you can follow all sorts of famous people and find out what they're really like.   I follow a few of the famous and not-so-famous-but-slightly-more-important-than-me and I admit it can be mildly diverting to find out where they buy their support hose or what they had for tea.  But some of their peccadilloes are best kept hidden, frankly.  If my favourite author is a Holocaust denier and thinks East Europeans should be repatriated it's not exactly enhancing his reputation.  Just because someone excels in their work doesn't make them a wholesome or even decent individual.


Oh, but you have to network.  What that means is sucking up big style to publishers, agents, authors or anybody who can use their influence in your favour.  It's called assmosis and it's as old as time, not a Twitter invention at all.  But there's something unsavoury about the way it is played out on Twitter for all to see, stripping all parties of their dignity.  Typical exchange:


FamousAuthor: So glad to finish pesky edits.  Time to get out of my support hose and uncork bubbly.
Asskisser: Congratulations! When will book be out?  I can't wait!
FamousAuthor:  Probably not till next year.  Sorry.
Asskisser:  Oh, please don't apologise.  You've given me a treat in store. You're the greatest writer in the world...suck..suck..

This will have to do as it's triggering my gag reflex, but you get the picture. I've seen so much of it lately it's made me wonder when these creeps get time to do any writing with their tongues so firmly jammed into so many tight crevices.


Of course it's inevitable that these feted individuals become corrupted by the attention and drunk on their power can overstep the boundaries of professional ethics.  I recently witnessed a Famous Agent post a photograph of a hand scrawled and unspell-checked letter from someone claiming to be an aspiring author.  To my jaundiced eye it looked more like an elaborate piss take, but in any case it gave her hordes of Twitter followers the opportunity to cluck such grovelling responses as:


OMG I'm so sorry you have to put up with things like that! 
With your great skill you could sell it anyway!
Can I apologise on behalf of all aspiring writers everywhere.


Not one of them questioned her motives for putting a private letter up for public scrutiny.  Some of these people have fawners, not followers.

Would Dickens have Tweeted?

Do you tweet? It's conventional wisdom that authors must be tireless self-promoters and get on all the social networks to establish a "platform" from which they can presumably relentlessly plug their wares to the world at large. But is it a good thing to put ourselves Out There for all and sundry to scrutinise?

I know some writers who are terminally shy and hate all that self-promotion razzmatazz. I'm a bit like that myself. Like most Scots I suffer from the Tall Poppy Syndrome - we're trained from an early age to keep the head down lest it be chopped off. So boasting and shouting about how great we are doesn't come naturally.

The trouble is of course, it comes all too naturally to some, sometimes to an obnoxious degree. Be honest, how many writers have turned you off their work by their tiresome self-importance? With Twitter and Facebook there's no mystique to the author any more. Their every bowel movement of an opinion is there for all to see, and if you don't happen to agree with their rabid political outpourings you might just feel a little alienated.

So isn't the whole exercise self-defeating? Time was when we knew nothing about the authors we read, unless some doughty reporter managed to get a scoop of an interview in one of the Sunday supplements. We could fondly imagine them as anything which suited us. Non-threatening, friendly, arty: mysterious. We didn't know where they had their legs waxed and we didn't want to know. Maybe some more of that mystery would suit us better today?

Blimey!

Just noticed my followers have bumped up to a massively intimidating 47! Thanks folks, I appreciate it although it does mean I'm going to have to write interesting stuff instead of the usual incoherent drivel.

This self promotion lark is a rum business and no mistake. What with Twitter and Facebook and my website, not to mention all the writers' forums I lurk on it's a miracle I ever get five minutes of real writing done. Maybe I should take on a secretary just to do my tweets? Or I could cut down on the housework, although I'm not sure how I could shave off any more time from my annual dust. Suggestions please, all you vastly more experienced surfers out there.

Here are some interesting links for you. I have posted them elsewhere but you might have missed them.

SF and Fantasy authors might be interested in knowing publisher Angry Robot are having an unagented submissions month in March 2011. Full details here.

Zeno Agency are currently open for submissions (only temporarily so don't hang about). Please read what they are looking for here.

Literary Agents Tibor Jones have announced the Pageturner Prize for unpublished authors. Attach your full manuscript with a blurb about the book in the body of your email. Full details here.

Oh, and by the way, my reprobate alter ego, publisher Edie Tor is back in business. Read her blog here.

The Future of Book Promotion?

What do you think of this as an idea for selling your book?

Which flavour would yours be?