A confession

I've done something terrible and I'm wracked with guilt about it. Yes, I've gone and got an ebook reader. Sorry.

Have I contributed to the End of Publishing As We Know It? Will more bookshops and publishers go to the wall now they can't rely on my purchases? Maybe it's silly, but I'm losing sleep over this. When the day dawns that not one paper book can be found in the entire world, the blood - or ink - will be on my hands.

But it's SO COOL! It's slim and neat and downloading books is SO EASY! It's disturbingly easy, in fact. There are these cool sites that give away free ebooks - imagine that!! So as well as the hundred freebies that came with it I can download to my heart's content. I feel like a kid in a sweet shop, and all in the comfort of my computer chair. No more trudging up to Waterstones or waiting a week for Amazon to pop my order in the post.

I can't help wonder where this will end. If we don't need shops or paper what's to stop us all putting our books online for immediate download? How can copyright be enforced between national boundaries when the Internet is global? Will paper books be a thing of the past?

A word of caution...

The internet is a big place with lots of free resources. I've written before about the benefits and advice we writers can glean but I've also written about taking care where you get your information, and I'd like to repeat that warning.

Always take internet advice with a pinch of salt.

OK, I have some lovely online buddies but let's face it, most of the people we encounter online are strangers who, however well intentioned they claim to be, could be using the net for their own agenda. I'm not saying everyone is, I'm just saying have a care who you listen to until you know you can trust them. Check out their claims. Google the hell out of everyone. Cultivate a healthy skepticism.

Last year I had my eyes opened in a shocking way when a very large and well established writers' board treated an acquaintance of mine in a very shabby way. It made me realise that self-appointed guardians of the writing community may not be all that. It made me wonder if they aren't being entirely honest with us to suit their own purpose.

Next time you are warned off a particular agency or publisher, take a minute to ask yourself whether the person warning you is acting purely out of altruistic motives or could they possibly be getting any benefit for themselves by thinning the competition. Beware of sites which act as judge and jury without giving you their sources and explaining how they arrived at that decision. It's easy for me to sit here and tell you Santa Claus is really just a great big scammer out to get your milk and cookies, but who benefits if that leaves only my chimney for him to drop down next Christmas?

Writing comedy

I'm revisiting a book I haven't read in ages, The Fall And Rise of Reginald Perrin by David Nobbs. For those of you younger than me (which lets face it is most of the world) this book spawned a highly successful sitcom in the Seventies, starring the wonderful Leonard Rossiter as Reggie. Most people know it, if they know it at all, from that. But the book is funny too, if somewhat darker.

The roots of my interest in writing are comedy and lately I've been wondering whether I've wandered too far from there. Comedy isn't easy to write by any means, but it is very rewarding.

Anyway, I'm planning a funny book, if only for my own entertainment. And Reginald Perrin isn't a bad place to look for inspiration. David Nobbs started as a sketch writer for shows like That Was The Week That Was and The Two Ronnies. So his gift for dialogue and instant characterisation is admirable. Humour should be light and frothy - make the prose too heavy and you kill the joke.

Here is an example of his light touch:

"Have you been feeling listless and lazy?" said Doc Morrissey. "Unable to concentrate? Lost your zest for living? Lots of headaches? Falling asleep during Play For Today? Can't finish the crossword like you used to? Nasty taste in the mornings? Keep thinking about naked sportswomen?"
Reggie felt excited. These were the exact symptoms of his malaise. People said Doc Morrissey was no good, all he ever did was give you two aspirins. It wasn't true. The little man was a miracle worker.
"Yes, I have. that's exactly how I've been feeling," he said.
"It's funny. So have I. I wonder what it is," said Doc Morrissey.
He gave Reggie two aspirins.

Romcom Movie Plot

OK, here's one for you. Jennifer Aniston plays Colleen, hardworking New York literary agent working to a deadline. Christian Bale plays Roscoe, the published author seeking representation. Roscoe queries Colleen, but she ain't too impressed and knocks him back. Roscoe's a tad upset and shoots off an angry email in response.

Incensed by the man's impertinence, Colleen publishes his email on her blog. A frantic Twitter campaign ensues, Colleen elicits haikus insulting Roscoe from her many friends and followers. Word gets round the writing community and soon everyone is taking sides on which of them is worse.

But here's the happy Hollywood ending. Roscoe hears about the haikus and comes round to sort Colleen out face to face. But the building is attacked by 9\11 style terrorists and they're both trapped on the 49th floor. Everyone was killed in the explosion and the stairs are blocked by fire. If they're going to survive this, they need to work together.

So eventually they get out after much bickering during which they learn to see the other's point of view and..well, fall in love of course. By the end reel they're signing a contract, he's proposing and there's a stomach churning montage of wedding photos a la Four Weddings And A Funeral.

Title? How about "When Egos Collide"?

Too schmalzy? Maybe, but then, real life ain't Hollywood. Here's the real version for those who prefer non-fiction.

Achievements

Bit of a mixed bag today, but after my last moany post I didn't want you to go thinking I'm stuck in the slough of despond. I have been working away and just wanted to get you up to speed on my achievements thus far.

Firstly I'm excited to discover this morning that I've been awarded a Beautiful Blogger Award (thanks Kate!). Now I'll do my best to come up with some more nominees - see below.

Second achievement today I managed to walk Theo for the first time since my little tumble last week. Yeah, I know it doesn't sound much, but it's a start.

Third achievement I'm making headway into Act 2 of my new WIP. You may remember I mentioned using a screenwriting tool called Contour in a previous post. It breaks the story down into a three act structure with a series of questions, twists and plot points. I used that to get an overall outline and now I'm trying to write the story according to that. Interesting process for me as I've always been a bit of a pantser (as in "flying by the seat of the pants") before now.

On the subject of outlines I came across a very interesting blog post yesterday which I'm passing on to you to take or leave as you wish.

Anyway, back to those nominations:

*Please ignore this if you have already received this award, which is entirely possible. (I only ever read the best blogs so someone is bound to have spotted you first!)

Edie Tor Talks Turkey - I'm only giving her this because no one else gives her anything and she'll make my life hell if I win something and she doesn't.
Disgruntled Bear
The Scribbling Seaserpent
Unexpected Tales
Col Bury's New Crime Fiction
Lexi Revellian
Sophie Playle
Wise Words
Welshcake
Tall Tales And Short Stories

So that's my ten! Phew, time for a lie down...

A birthday moan...

Happy Birthday to Me
Happy Birthday to Me
Happy Birthday dear Me-e
Happy Birthday to Me!

Yes, another year older. And that's not all I have to moan about.

This year has so far been a catalogue of disasters. Last week alone my boiler broke down and I spent an evening in A&E with a sprained ankle. Just when I dare to think things can only get better something even worse happens. So to be honest I feel a bit like a bombing survivor staggering from the shelter and hoping the sniper has better targets to go after.

But today the sun is shining, I have a bottle of champers chilling in the fridge and a load of cards on the sideboard so I can't complain really. OK, so I can't get all the candles on the cake without the fire brigade turning up, but who wants to be young, anyway? Over-rated if you ask me.

Silver Anniversary

Time for reminiscence now. Tomorrow I will have been married for 25 action-packed years. I do have vivid terrified recollections of that wet blustery day in 1985 but it's hard to believe it happened to me. (That's allegedly me in the meringue costume above.)

Anyway here's to the next twenty-five!